So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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