Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
