I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
