At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
