I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
