I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
