I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
