I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
