Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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