just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
