how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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