Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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