Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
