...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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