Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
