I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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