If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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