Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
