Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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