I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
