Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
