I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
where are my eyebrows?
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