Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
