His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
