There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
