Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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