I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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