Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
