My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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