wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she smelled like a LAN party
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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