Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
