The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
