What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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