Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
