make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
