I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
