I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
