I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
