He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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