my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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