Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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