i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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