it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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