Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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