Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
