My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
