I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
