By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
