Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
