I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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