I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
