Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
