I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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